Dawn of a Musical Family

Day is dawning at 4:30 am or so here in my neck of the woods as the summer solstice approaches.  I have beeen up for a bit watching the blackness that is trees and mountain become silhouetted againsts the slow brightening of the pre dawn sky and listening as the birds awake one by one.  Slowly the cacophany of birdsong, simultaneously repetitive and chaotic, builds in intensity as the day approaches, then fades off as day breaks.  Music on an almost summer morning.

I have always hoped my children would love music, whether from nature or manmade.  I tend to sing, a lot,  around the house.  For better or worse, I sing, because I want my kids to know it is ok to sing for the joy of it, even if you don't have the voice of Adele, Whitney, Emmy Lou, or the latest Idol stars.  I recall teaching first grade and feeling sad that each year a student or two refused to sing with the class.  I didn't pressure them, and I am glad, because now with children of my own I realize they don't all want to sing.  I just want to be sure they know that it is safe to try. 

I recently purchased a ukelele, half planned, half spontaneous, because my 3 yo is becoming so fond of playing at storytime at our local library.  The storyteller reads, and sings songs with our preschoolers and has brought in extra ukes for the kiddos to try.  They are perfect for little hands and with just on or two fingers little ones can play a few chords and practice strumming.  My middle son has been silently longing to play an instrument, he is a singer/noisemaker at heart, and this year at school has spent the year being told to be quiet.  I would love him to gain the confidence to let his music out for the rest of us to hear.  (Right now he sings when he thinks no one is listening)  My oldest doesn't sing much, so I was pleasantly surprised that he has already been reading the little booklet that came with the uke and is practicing several chords on his own. Perhaps my next classroom will have a uke or two for the non singers to play.

With three kids and no money for lessons right now, I was hoping the uke would fit the needs of my family, and I think it will do the trick.  Besides being the cutest instrument invented, I have easily been able to master several chords and the kids have at least one in less than a week. (not that it is a race, but the ease is motivating).  The uke is also a quiet alternative to the guitar or keyboard that always gets cranked to it's highest volume.  There are tons of online resources for songs, techniques, and advice for teaching kids and I am currently looking for a book that my oldest might use to soak up ukelele info and music, because that is how he enjoys learning.  I think we are all on our way to becoming a musical family.  

Eve of Summer

It is raining this morning while I write.  Drops tappity tapping on our metal roof and running off like an outdoor shower into the stones that surround our house.  Kids are cozied up in their beds snug under blankets.  One had his light on and was already reading when I tiptoed past their doors and down the stairs.  I put on some tea and sat in a comfy chair to look out at the morning, rain,  and life in this moment, and in a flash I am already on vacation, though the kids won't be out for another week.

Thoughts float in about summer as a dual edged sword of fun activities playing at the beach, looking for frogs, wind in our hair as we skirt across the lake, then of summer as an extendend transition time.  Summer, where too much of a good thing, not enough to do, too much togetherness, can bring down the house.  I reallize conciously my oldest will go to a summer program in July, first time ever, a mixed emotion rises in me.  My mind wanders to my middle child, he'll need lots of social time this year with friends.  Then there's the baby, ummm. . .3 and a half year old.  She is craving play with kids her age right now. Preschool on the horizon just past the summer morning sunrises over the lake.  

I briefly reflect on my need to seize the day, seize this season, this moment.   I am a firm believer in "Don't create problems in my mind that don't yet exist in my life."  I gently push away the thought, the idea of a summer overcast with change.  Instead I enjoy this rainy morning, and waking children on the eve of summer.  I listen to the raspberries and laughter as  the three land in the biggest bed to become fully wakeful creatures together.  I enjoy this fleeting feeling in a snip of time, summer. . family. . .life. . .

Social Emotional Education: Teacher's hold the Key

Social Emotional Education is a big buzz phrase in teaching these days and for good reasons. We have known for a while now that children learn better when they feel safe.  And now we know there are kids (people) who do not learn about social interactions and emotions through everyday  interactions the way most people do.  These folks need to be explicitly taught.  You probably know someone like this already.  Is there someone who rambles on as if they don't notice you are yawning and giving other signals you are bored of the conversation?  Well, they probably really don't notice.  How bout that one who interrupts a conversation to interject their ideas and are a bit off topic? In the classroom there is the child who shouts out answers in class despite being told repeatedly to raise his hand.  There are the children who don't seem to understand how their actions make others feel in some moments. Some are not always sure what they are feeling themselves.  

When I was in college one of our textbooks was Teaching Children To Care, by Ruth Sydney Charney.  It was a pivotal book that led to many schools, including the one I worked at, to acquire staff training in the Responsive Classroom Method.  Responsive Classroom addressed classroom management, community building, and social emotional education.  The pieces were all there:

1. Create a safe, nurturing classroom environment
2. teach skills explicitly.
3. Provide time to practice- particularly using role play.

We did this with everything from procedures for handwashing and using new classroom tools or supplies to how to ask someone to play at recess or handle sharing with a friend.

Nowadays, with 8-10% of kids with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders on a steep rise over the last 10 years, it is becomming more common knowledge that some children need explicit instruction in recognizing emotions in themselves and in others, and in handling social situations many people take for granted.  How do you know if people are interested in what you have to say?  How do you  know how another person is feeling at a given moment? 

More and more schools are adopting social curriculums and asking for teachers who have experience with Social Emotional Education.  I know that I myself have continued to build my skills in this area, not because it is a trend, but because it is essential in helping all kids have the skills they need in life.  I am a little leary of SE Curriculums that are in a box, "We are going to do SEcurriculum now children".  What about the rest of the day or the specific needs of the class?  Making time for explicit instruction and practice of new skills is truly important, yes, I won't argue that ever.  But I am concerned about a prescribed approach.  Integrating the "practice", the "positive",  for the visual, auditory, or tactile learner in a way that doesn't single out one or two children is also a vital piece of the puzzle.  A piece that can be addressed through focus on one skill classwide, with some form of visual/tactile reminder as a stoplight card on a desk or as a necklace.  Green, good; yellow, warning,slow down or change direction; red, Stop!  This system can be used all day for all the kids, just with eyecontact and a pointed finger.  Love it. 

The other component, is to create a safe, nurturing classroom environment all day, every day, for every child.  In order to ensure that the classroom environment is that nurturing, teachers need to be in firm possession of a positive discipline style, that capitalizes on positive moments, and does not overemphasize the mistakes or problems.  The kids who have the most difficulties in the area of Social Emotional Learning can be some of the most frustrating for some teachers.  These are the kids for whom ordinary discipline strategies don't work well if at all.  Sometimes these kids can come across as unlikeable to peers and teachers alike. 

This is where the teacher truly holds the key.  For these kids it is my experience that they will only succeed or thrive with a teacher that can love them anyway, despite what others may percieve as rude, disruptive, or uncaring nature.  A teacher who can see the sweet child through the spectrum of odd and or unlikeable behaviors, will do more good for the child's success and attitude at school than any mandated curriculum.  Love alone is the basis for the tone in the classroom and the foundation for building positive peer and teacher relationships within the class.

Rhythm of Life: It's a radio

Rhythm is one of those things that I crave.  I think it may be a part of human nature to seek it out, or maybe just Amy Nature.  When I hear a beat on the radio, or let's say "Your the one that I want. . ." from the Grease soundtrack, I tap my toe or beebop around in my seat like some crazy girl, then the next song John Travolta is crooning, "Stranded at the Drive in, branded a fool, what will they say?  Monday at school...Saaaaaanndyyyy"  arghhhh. . .blahhh. . .hummbuuuug.  Always have hated that song!  (no offense if you loved it, just my little opinion in a big world)  A rhythm can be a pickup or a let down, but of course it is all relative and sometimes the slow is good and calm and ahhhh. ..Whatever the rhythm, I feel it, so when it is a jolting change from what I want, or expect or need,  well. ..insert John Travolta crooning.

So, it is not really new to me, mom of three, that the rhythm of parenting can sometimes be too fast, too slow, too monotonous.  This week, it is like the song "Sandy" on repeat. . .My three year old who has been potty potty trained for over a year now, but lately accidents, accidents, accidents, and Hannnnnging from my shirt saying "Mommmmmeeeeeeee, I neeeeeed you!"  Don't get me wrong, this little girl is one of the most precious little peeps in my life.  I love her snuggles, her nose kisses and her wildly addictive laugh.  I love when she stands with her hip jutted out and tell one of her big brothers what is what.  I adore when she says, "I will call him George." in reference to the little toad she spotted and captured all by her three year old self, with pudgy three year old fingers, and sharp three year old eyes. 

But. . .when I spend every waking hour with said three year old and she tugs on my shirt, climbs the chair I am sitting in and says those words. . ."I neeeed Youuuuu!" or "I had a accident."  I have to admit, I forget to be greatful for her presence.  It is the mournful truth.  But, I will not beat myself up over it, because sometimes being a parent is downright frustrating.  It is "Sandy" all over again.  We just need to wait it out, rock with it let it flow on till the next song picks us up again.  Raising kids is like that.  You feel the rhythm, get on a roll, and just like that. . . the song changes.  Sometimes you get a few good songs in a row, and then Bam! Commercial break, soiled clothes, and then "Sandy".  Sorry kids life is not an iPod.  You can't program what comes next.  Parenting is. . . Life is . . . a radio.  

Puzzling the Big Picture: SAHM returning to Teaching

Teacher turned stay at home mom, turned teacher?. . .hopefully.  I have been dedicating my designated writing time to deciphering what I have learned about current trends and issues in education, experiences I have had as a parent, and the localized and individual focus of the various area school systems and schools.  I feel like I have been working on a puzzle for the last few weeks, the kind with no picture to go by and no directions. 

Last year I attended a summer teaching workshop on Assessment, because I wanted to know if things in education have really changed that much since I became a SAHM.  I felt bolstered by what I learned in the workshop.  The practice they were emphasising, using the core academic standards as a basis for creating lessons and assessments, is not unfamiliar to me.  The idea was introduced to  me years ago in my post grad studies where I created interdisciplinary multimodal curriculum with rubrics for assessment and to then guide my teaching. The theory was to use this type of curriculum model, organized around a Universal Theme, to make learning accessible and engaging, increase connections to higher level thinking, and to more easily cover the core curriculum standards in time and reasonably engaging fashion.  I left the workshop feeling like "I know this. I have done this."  I know I can design my curriculum to encompass the many learning standards and I can map them out for all to see and be aware of.  The main difference I gleaned was teachers were not required to do this in the past where now they are.

The next puzzle for me was "What is RTI-Response to Intervention all about?",  "What is the hubbub about it?"  I understand the 3 tiered system for intervention.  Tier 1 solid classroom instruction.  Tier 2, small group interventions for those found unsuccessful at Tier 1.  Tier 3, Special Education for children who are not successfull at Tier 2.  It seems to make sense, yet there is controversy.  Why?  So I keep reading, I read books about teaching reading particularly about teaching children with LD's, I read RTI newsletters, and I read the International Dyslexia Association articles about  Brain Research and Research Based teaching practices.  IDA specifically recommends particular programs for teaching, and particular Colleges for training new teachers, that have all the components for meeting a dyslexics learning needs. 

I find it curious though that there isn't more teacher training opportunity available in Research Based instruction.  Are schools aquiring training for teachers on their own?  Where are they getting the training? Is it through different Research based school program models that are available for schools to purchase?  I went directly to the Mother of Research based, multisensory literacy instruction, Orton-Gillingham and have started their online intro course at an affordable fee.  I am curious to see how my training in Guided Reading and Reading Recovery fit in (as RR is not considered Research Based by IDA)  I acknowledge that RR was not intended as a long term solution, but as a short term acceleration and diagnostic tool which should be helpful in diagnosing dyslexia early on.  If a child finishes the program and is unsuccessful or only moderately successful, it gives you information and lets you know that child needs more, but the 'what next' was always a bit wishy washy.  I am curious to discover the key differences to the OG methodology to what I already know and understand about teaching children to read.

What I did find lots of teacher training in is how teach children on the autism spectrum and ADHD, but mostly lots of behavior management around children with these disorders.  It makes me chuckle when I think about it, because not only is there so much information now about how these kids learn and how to teach them, but I believe that there is incredible overlap between the dyslexia/dysgraphia group and the autism/adhd group.  I will stop short only of claiming they are one and the same group of kids.  My point is that if we focus on teaching these kids the way they need to be taught, training teachers to recognize the issues early, and provide the right kind of early intervention, these kids often are able to work past their initial difficulties with literacy skills.  Unfortunately IDA believes that RTI is not functioning to get appropriate early diagnosis, though the means to do so do exist, and often kids with dysgraphia/dyslexia don't get the help they need till 3rd or 4th grade.  My son is a prime example, and I have been trying to get the school to look at that piece since 1st grade!  All the school seemed to want to focus on was the behavior/emotional stuff, for which they are not really qualified to deal with effectively.  IDA states that schools need to realize that emotional/behavioral issues arise when the dyslexic/dysgraphic child's learning needs are not being met, not the other way around.  I firmly agree.

I can also see while some schools seem to be getting bogged down in RTI as a means to an end, other schools are looking at good teaching practices as a way to create more success among students.  One school system is looking for teachers who can differentiate and compact curriculum, create a successful inclusion environment, and inform teaching with use of assessment data.  I think that curriculum compacting is key to students who don't need practice or reteaching, so they do not lose interest in school.  I personally am looking at creating concept based, interdisciplinary, multimodal curriculum based on Universal Concepts that will encompass many learning standars and increase higher level thinking and real world connections to learning.  This will raise the bar for all children because the kids struggling to read and write are not less intelligent by any means, they have lots to offer, and require opportunities to show what they know and use their area of strength to motivate and connect learning in areas of weakness.  We don't want them to become the dropout statistics that schools are trying to prevent, whatever their tactics. 

Teaching and Concepts

It occurred to me this morning, that a teacher reading my blog might get the idea that I am a nay-sayer who points out the problems and offers no solutions.  They may conclude that I am critical, but not constructive.  So in thinking practically about how I would organize curriculum and instruction upon return to the classroom, whenever that may be, I printed out the tiny printed lists of State Standards that each student is supposed to be able to know.  We are talking tiny font here and the lists covered half my dining table.  And this is a year when so much of the time in class is devoted to the fundamental reading, writing and arithmetic, and RTI requiring close observation of children's progress.  The RTI doesn't scare me, I am familiar with frequently assessing my readers and writers and guaging instruction appropriately, moving children to more appropriate reading groups and so on, and doing so often and based on children's needs rather than an arbitrary schedule.  What did make me pause was the extent of factual knowledge that is required of first graders, not all that different from when I first taught, but definitely created the perverbial "box" in my mind that I have been basically communicating in my blog that teachers ought to think outside of.  

I know every teacher in elementary school uses theme based instruction (ie.:  fall, butterflies, gardens, animals) to leap the hurdle of too much information to cover in one short period.  My solution, (which isn't mine at all, I learned it in grad school), is to try to organize the curriculum by Universal Concepts, timeless and abstract,  as a starting point for organizing the big picture of what I will teach and hope for my students to learn.  In this way, themes, subjects and areas of study will present themselves, but always will be connected to the Universal Concept and thus create a path for concrete understanding and higher level thinking about the abstract Concept.  By creating a map of standards to be learned within this concept framework, I will be able to communicate with parents and importantly the students, what we will be learning and why. A clear framework for what is being taught, and what problem is being solved provides the mental framework for children who need to "see" the big picture in order to file new information in their brains appropriately, this is particularly a challenge for the children with attention and executive function difficulties.

 By creating interdisciplinary lessons I will not only be able to teach more compactly, but also the children will be able to learn more authentically.  In real life, we don't "do math", we make a list or some type of plan, we navigate to the appropriate store, we keep track of how much we are spending as we go, and we make decisions based on needs and wants in order to stay within a budget.  Authentic learning with a purpose and meaningful problems to solve are the key to being sure that every child walks away from school with an education.  A variety of assessment tools and methods to accomodate different output styles in students, and importantly the use of rubrics to clarify expectations and determine who needs reteaching and who's got it, will streamline the reteaching and allow time for those who are clear on the standard to enrich their learning.

Right now I am enjoying puzzling over the best Concept or Concepts to use in a cross disciplinary first grade curriculum.  It is challenging but fun to think about how to organize a comprehensive year of learning and develop organizing questions to guide learning.  I began this process in my previous teaching role, and I continue to evolve my thinking to be more comprehensive than before.  I continue to strive to provide connections between the classroom and the world where children live and learn. 

Introvert in the Classroom and Life

I love to read articles that encourage people to rethink assumptions they have about other people, children, students, each other, themselves.  I came across a great one this week, an Ed Week article by Sarah D Sparks, "Studies Illustrate Plight of Introvert".   (I have included a link on my "Parent/Teacher Read" page.)  Our world is so geared toward the loud, quick to speak, outgoing folks that we often forget the benefits of being quiet, alone, and thinking before we speak.  The article points out that teachers who are introverts are more likely to identify the quiet students as likely to have difficulty in school while acknowledging that is not necessarily due to lack of intelligence.  While outgoing teachers are more likely to assume that the quiet children are less intelligent or capable.

During my college experience, I took Latin American Civ with a proffessor who I consider to be one of the great ones.  The class was mainly discussion.  We needed to come to class prepared, books read,or movies watched, and ready to participate in discussion.  I loved the class, and I loved to listen to the ideas of others and I was always prepared, but the proffessor noticed that when he called on me to speak about something I stumbled to pull out an idea that made sense, sometimes I felt like a deer in the headlights.  On other occasions, I made important observations, gave thoughtful responses.  My written work was always well thought out.  So one afternoon, the proffessor asked me to stay after class.  He noticed that I seemed to freeze when put on the spot  and offered to refrain from "calling" on me in class, so long as I agreed to share my ideas when I was ready.  I remember feeling so great after this meeting.  I put extra effort in trying to find my way into the class conversation, relaxed by the knowledge that I wouldn't be put on the spot.  Wow!  When I reflect on this experience, I realize that teacher observed something in me that I had yet to quite understand myself.  I could never have thought to advocate for myself, because I had no idea that it was OK to be the way I was.  At twenty something years old, this was the first teacher who acknowledged my learning style and made it clear that my way  was OK

I really think this issue is an important one on it's own, and also hugely important in the bigger picture of life.  When a child is allowed to be who he or she is then won't the child will be more likely to grow into an adult path that allows for happiness and fullfillment?  Everywhere I look, books, magazines, talk shows and facebook pages, people everywhere are searching for who they really are.  People are searching for a path to their true purpose, their place.  They are ultimately looking for the true selves they were born as.  How wonderful would it be if we could begin to see each person for who he or she is and allow them to be?  Thoughtful teaching can encourage and inform children of different learning styles and challenges to advocate for themselves not only in the classroom, but also in life.  Isn't that really one of the most important lessons to learn?  There is a place for each and every one of us.

Ed Week:  Studies Illustrate Plight of Introvert, by Sarah Sparks.
The article speaks of  a book by Susan Cain.  Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.   I plan to read this soon. 

Moving into Summer

With summer swiftly advancing, Memorial Day almost upon us, I am thinking about the importance of striking the right balance of physical activity, mental engagement, and relaxation with my kids here at home.   I know I need to plan my summer the way I would plan ahead in teaching, but not so detailed.  I learned that those two months of summer can be a treasure, and the way to ensure at least a wee bit of relaxation for Mom, is to be active and structured.  So, I plan ahead, at least a week or two and Map out one or two destinations a week, to add a little zip to our usual routine of head to the local beach for the morning or afternoon.  Swimming and fishing are big priorities here, water play is a must even if we stay home with a sprinkler or water guns.  We like to visit the local library each week too.  But then what?  Maybe a visit to one of the grandparents, or a different park or playground is in store.  Perhaps we will visit a museum or other locale of interest.  I also fill in with videos when I can, for those rainy afternoons, or too much fun in the sun days, a new movie or an educational, or how to video. 

More and more I find myself looking for ways to provide outlets for different kinds of energy levels here at home, not just in the summer, but with three kids at home summer activity is even more crucial.  I think I am getting better at managing the big picture of too much energy.  Sometimes, when my oldest son just starts irritating the other two on an almost constant roll that inevitably results in screaching and crying, I know he just needs to do something.  We head to the lake and  that is an instant fix, swimming and fishing (mostly fishing) calms him.  But I don't always want to pack up the troops and head off to the lake, and during other times of the year that just isn't going to happen.  So I have been looking for other ways to manage the excess energy, and slothlike lulls here at home, not just as a big picture theory, but hopefully in even the little corners of life that poke us in the side and remind me I still have more to learn about promoting self regulation in my children.

I have been plucking ideas from the web for activities that can help release pent up energies, calm a child or stimulate one out of the slothlike stupor that sometimes washes in for a while.  It is funny though, because the more I read about the different strategies, the more I realize that my kids seek many of them out on their own.  The littlest one swings for hours.  The middle one flops himself on the big floor pillow.  The oldest may pick up crocheting, or carry laundry baskets down to the basement, (when it is His idea).  The boys love to use their little folding saws to cut down the saplings that seem to sprout up everywhere each spring.  But I would like to add to our array of choices for this summer, while pairing down on some of the excess clutter that has gathered over the school year.  I will create a place to once again hang our chair swing, maybe put up a hammock someplace cool, and generally try to provide some places and activities for calming and engaging the brain.  I will keep the knitting basket handy, and dig  out plenty of puzzle type games to keep on hand for individual or group play, stock up on art and whatnot supplies and hope for the best.

I found a really nice article, "Sensory Integrations and Supports for ASD", which includes some great ideas for ways to provide for the various sensory needs children may have.  I was also recently reminded of a pair of books The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync child has Fun which offer some good information that will help you figure out what kinds of activities could be helpful for your particular kiddos.  Keep in mind what I have said about labels in the past (they may be scary sounding)  Please note that although these resources have labels like ASD and "Out of Sync" in the titles they are good resources for any parent of any child. I also visited a site today that I was turned on to via FB, Your Therapy Source.  What I would love to find is a source for how to do lots of these ideas on the cheap, or out in nature, with minimal consumerism.  If you have any resources or ideas for safe, yet homemade or found in nature OT activities I welcome you to share. 

School- Choice & Fit -beginning thoughts

I spoke with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and discovered both of us have boys the same age who have struggled in school despite being very bright boys.  They wrestle with writing, struggle to make meaningful connections with other kids at school, and are active with attention and organizational difficulties.  Both of us moms have wrestled with school choices, we have considered homeschooling but that is as far as that has gone.  We live within 20 minutes or so of each other, and our kids attend schools about 10 minutes apart, yet in different districts.  Our experiences in getting our children neccessary help have been in some ways polar opposite, yet we still share some basic frustrations.

When I began this blog, I was frustrated with the amount of effort it took to get my son help within our home town elementary school. Trying to reconcile my experience with my teaching life and concern for the education of our countries children.   I was exasperated that I was constantly being stonewalled or politely ignored till I finally realized they would not do anything till I put every request or correspondence in writing, and made it clear at meetings that I was familiar with the laws.  This was not how I wanted interactions with my children's school to go.  I started off by asking for help and trying to provide what information I had that would be useful to the teachers working with my son.  I ended by insisting that my son be moved to a different school.

After talking with my friend, it is a relief to realize that she did not have to struggle to get the help her son needed at school.  Thank goodness that doesn't happen to everyone.  In her words, "They wanted to help."  There was no asking for help and being all but ignored till she "asked" in writing.  Hmm. . .his school of choice is just 10 or so minutes from the one where my family struggled.   For parents like us, school choice is good.  We are happy that we have the option to seek other options for our kids.  But we also have both experienced frustrations at meetings when we have felt like all eyes are on us looking for answers.  I know, from my experience, a feeling like you might have if you hire a plumber to fix a rusted hole in a pipe, he arrives, looks at the hole, sticks some duct tape on, and then looks at you and says, "What's next?"  Well how the heck should I know.  Find a new plumber I guess.

How many times have people said to me or I to them, "That school just isn't a good fit." or "That teacher is not a good fit."  Finding a good school choice or fit for kids like ours is not like googling "performing arts school" or some other specialty school, especially if we are not able to spend tens of thousands of dollars on one.  If we are lucky enough to find a school that is cooperative, they still may not have the knowledge to provide real help.  If the school "fits" it is still possible to run acrossed a teacher who is not a good fit.  Maybe the school and teachers are great, but the children in your child's class don't share his same interests, they don't click.  Homeschooling is another option, but puts another kind of stress on families.  Time, money, patience stretch only so far, no matter how good the intentions of the parent who didn't ever think she would consider homeschooling.  What would be the perfect fit?  What would be the perfect school for kids who struggle with lagging skills and fly with others?  I will leave that to a future post, because I am tempted to say simply, "Exemplary Teaching."  but something like educating our complex, puzzling, wild, and wonderful children couldn't be that simple, could it?  For now, goodnight.

Mothering

My belated homage to mothers everywhere begins here on the tail of my tenth Mother's Day as an actual Mom.  I enjoyed sitting out in the adirondack chair with green grass around my feet, sun warming my skin, and kids playing, making their own kool-aid, and randomly appearing in my lap to say "I love you." or  "Happy Mother's Day!"  It was all the more special, for the everyday trials of raising three children seemed to have taken a break for the day.  Everyone was happy and getting along for a slice of time.

As Mother's Day weekend came to a close, I began to think about what message I would like to send to Mothers everywhere.  What message can I send from my experience that every other mother who reads it can say simply, "yeah."  What message can I send that will lift mothers everywhere and bring us all together in love and support and understanding.  I have come up with three truths to remember about Mothers. 

1. We are all different.
2. No one of us is perfect.
3. Mothering is hard, even when you are doing it right.

For all the roses, cards, visits, free lunches, and phone calls that were laid upon many a Mother over the weekend, Mothers have a tough row to how on any other day of the year.  As if Mothering is not enough of a challenge, Mothers are under what sometimes seems like constant scrutiny by people out in the real world.  From the man in line behind me in the store who saw I was already chasing two boys under the age of 5 while pregnant with my third and said, "Are you sure you want another one?"  To lady who reprimanded the kids for something I considered their good behavior at the library.  We are judged basically every minute we spend away from the safe sanctuary of our home.  But the absolute hardest judgement to take, the most cutting, and hurtful are the scowls, words, or grumbles of other Mothers.  Those are the judgements that hurt the most, because I feel other Mothers ought to know that making another Mother feel like she is doing it wrong is the absolute worst thing you can ever do to her.  Like kicking her in the teeth, when she falls.  Not ok.  (Perhaps that is a judgement on my part.  I will have to ponder that later.)

The fact of the matter is We are all different.  Every single one of us has our own list of experiences long or short, good or bad, happy or sad, rich or poor that we carry with us and that guide us in our parenting priorities and choices.  Some read books, some can't read, some follow example, some go by instinct alone, but I have to believe all mothers want what is best for their children within their own scope of understanding and vision of possibilities.  Perhaps if we all wore our lists of experiences on our shirts we would be more understanding, tolerant, and supportive of the other Mothers we meet in our lifetime.

I will admit, I have judged.   Haven't you?  I may not have been as friendly as I could have been to that Mother at playgroup who looked like she was on drugs, smoked out in front of the door, and talked on her cell rather than play with her child.  That is just not a part of my experience; not my choice of how to live, it would be easy for me to feel "right" and label her "wrong".  But guess what?  She had her child at playgroup, she knew her baby should play with other kids and learn to share and play. . .but I am also sure she read the wary looks and disapproval from other moms, (not to mention the alleged phone call to protective services reporting her). . .I haven't seen her at playgroup since.

 In another example, I wrote recently about a survey that showed 66% of parents believe ADHD is only the result of poor parenting.  Makes me think.  Do we as Mothers, parents, need so badly to feel good about our own job as mother that we must deny there could be any other explanation for a child's behavior problems than that the parent, or Mother is doing a terrible job?  Really?  Are we that insecure? Do we believe it?  Do we deep down think we ourselves are doing a bad job, so seeing a kid having a harder time than our kid feels like a relief? 

At playgroups and schools there are so many examples of Mothers judging Mothers it makes me sad.  First time moms judge the veteran moms for being lax, while the veteran moms judge the new moms for being overbearing.  The moms of girls judge the moms of boys for raising hellions.  (seen this for sure, but also have seen some exceptions here :)  Mothers of typically developing children judge the parents of children with invisible challenges (learning disabilities, adhd, spectrum disorders) for being too involved, advocating too adamantly, and offering explanations which are percieved as excuses. 

It is easy to sit in judgement of others when you feel right.  But the fact is everything is relative and parenting is no exception.  We are each as different and imperfect as the next.  For every Mother you judge, there is another somewhere watching, rolling her eyes or scoffing in judgement of you.  Let's just stop that!

Wouldn't it be just the most beautiful thing if every time we Mothers made eye contact with another Mother we could be guaranteed a moment of understanding. . ."Mothering is hard even when you are doing it right."  If this little blog could accomplish one thing, I would love it to be lots and lots and lots of Mothers reading this post and sharing it with all the Mothers they know, so that we may acknowledge to one another;  We are all different.  We are all imperfect.  Mothering is hard even when we are doing it right.  Let us be supportive of one another in our shared purpose of raising our children the best we know how to do.

 ** Momastery.com  is the blog where I first heard the quote, "Parenting is hard, even when you are doing it right")

Pushing Forward

In my last post, Rags to Riches-What Holds Some Back?, I wrote about my idea that the thing that is holding some kids back in school is genetics, particularly inherent skills or lack of skills that enable people to get things done.  This is based on my experience and reading over the last few years and is meant as sort of a meandering of the mind, because we all know there are just so very many factors involved in educating young people.  I don't mean at all to say that home life doesn't contribute to a child's ability to learn, only that I don't think it plays as big a role as many people assume.  I was particularly saddened to see that a survey of parents done by The Child Mind Institute showed "63% of parents said. . . too many children are being diagnosed with ADHD when they just have behavioral issues."  One third of the parents believe ADHD children are just a result of bad parenting.  And I believe it, because I have felt it even from some school personell.  The fact is that all stereotypes are based in truth.  There are Some kids out in the world who are behaving badly because of bad parenting, angry children who are angry because their parents do drugs or aren't there for them at the baseball games, school events, or life in general.  There are some really crappy parents.  Then there are the rest of us. . .stuck under the weight of the stereotype saying "Hey!  That is not Me!"

That is a bit of a tangent from where I planned to go tonight, but I needed to say it.

Another big part of my last post was about the acceptance that some kids just don't have certain skills that they need to succeed, and the need to find ways to teach the skills (like those listed on my page titled "Lagging Skills") or otherwise navigate them.  So my next thought right now is that one way to help a child who has lagging skills is to lessen the demand for the skill that is blocking learning, and focus on what the child CAN do.  This may sound like I am saying the exact opposite of my last post, but I look at this more as a twofold approach.

 If homework every night taxes the child to the point where she is arguing and crying about it, what is the point?  Is that work, or lack of , indicative of what she can do? or is it just punishment for not being able to do it? (ie:  Not only will I the teacher require that you do homework everynight causing you to become willfull, upset, and or discouraged, I will also take credit away from what you could do, by lowering your grade, your A is now a C or your C is now an F)  When I look at it this way it isn't as difficult (in my mind anyway) to see why some kids get angry and down on school.

For some kids, the problem isn't just homework, it is showing what they know, even in the classroom.  Maybe she is slow to contribute to discussion.  Slow processing could cause her to be unable to respond or contribute in a meaningful way on the spot, but an hour later she thinks to herself, "Drat!  Thats what I should have said!"  Slow processing speed doesn't mean cognitively slow, but a very bright child can easily be misread as shy, quiet, or even not all that smart.  There all kinds of ways really that kids don't perform well in school due not to a lack of intelligence, but a lack of ability to show what they know, I won't get into more of them right now.

The idea is to ask ourselves where are our students strong?  What can they do?  What are their gifts?  Each child has one you know, from the gift of gab, to the gift of written expression or musicality.  There may be a child who lights up a room with his pure happiness, and the master of Star Wars trivia alongside the fastest pitching arm a bookworm and the little one who dances through life.  If we provide opportunities for everychild to feel success, they will learn to navigate and understand their own abilities so they may make wise life choices that suit them well and allow them to be happy.

Not a simple task. . .How do we take these gifts that walk through our classroom door and acknowledge them and nurture them while simultaneously covering the standards and then some?  How do we use the gifts, that bring happiness and joy to our children, as a teaching advantage?  A happy brain is able to learn.  If we forget (or don't even know) what makes our children happy, we forget the key that opens the door to learning.  A stressed brain is less capable of learning.  So why do some people think that constant exposure to what is hard will make it easier?  Is that possible?  An adult brilliant writer with no hands can hire a scribe or use a Dragon Naturally Speaking program to dictate his ramblings, we wouldn't force or expect him to physically write his words.  The best advice for solving a problem that is confounding you is to walk away from it, sleep on it, do something you find relaxing, then eventually the solution comes.

There is a growing awareness among parents who I know of with children who struggle with lagging skills who are seeing they do. . . eventually . . .acquire the skills.  Sometimes not till highschool, or college and others not till their nearly 30!  And it is not for lack of intervention, modeling, or explicit teaching of the skills they need, by making lists, breaking projects down into managable lists, setting alarms for due dates on older students' phones.  So in the meantime, finding ways that our kids can feel successfull is of utmost importance.   They maximize out of school time with sports or music lessons, science camp, pottery lessons, you name it because they want their child to have opportunities to find their place in the world outside of school.  Sometimes we forget that school requires children to perform every skill well, while life only requires that we do something well enough to make a living.  Happiness however, requires what we choose to do to fit who we really are, if that occurs we can't help but do it well.

Rags to Riches- What Holds Some Back?

I have been in a lovely bookgroup for several months now, where I have enjoyed reading and discussing a variety of books I may not have otherwise read.  Welfare Brat, written by Mary Childers was one that lead to discussion about poverty and the questions around why some, like Mary, are able to climb out of it, while others continue the cycle.  We talked about stereotypes and the few and loud who seem to perpetuate them by announcing the ways they are working the system while the majority of recipients struggle quietly, and carry the shame and stigma.  We talked about how Mary eventually had an adult who helped her make a plan for college.  And we noted we had all heard real life stories of rags to riches, and wondered what makes this possible for some people and not others, is it having a mentor? is it something else? 

I wondered aloud if perhaps the difference for Mary was that she was born with the skills needed to succeed.  She showed us in the book repeatedly how she set goals and made plans and carried them out .  She was persistent and organized, with good impulse control and kept her end goal in sight.   Why was she the only one in her family who could do those things?  I explained how I had been coming to understand that children, often very smart children can have under the radar learning disabilities or lagging skills that hold them back from success.  If a child is smart, but has no goal oriented persistence or organization, if he is impulsive, or disorganized and loses work he already completed, he will not succeed in school without some kind of intervention, a caring teacher, parent or other advocate who can give support where lagging skills would otherwise keep him down.  This situation is often the case for children who have ADHD, Aspergers or some other spot on the Autism Spectrum to name but a few, and often runs in families.  Another group member pointed out Mary's siblings all had different father than she did, she did not share paternal DNA with any of her siblings.  Could that be it?

From a teaching perspective I found this very hopeful.  If we know that some children struggle with these skills we can help them, we can scaffold, we can teach the skill or work around them. And we know they do, because research has been done and bright lights like Ross Greene have illustrated the effects of lagging skills and how to help children who have them, in books like The Explosive Child, and Lost at School.  Right now it is in vogue for schools to have a social curriculum that teaches children explicitly how to handle certain social interaction.  Not long ago the idea of schools teaching these skills was ridiculous to many people.  Probably still seems foolish to some people, but not to me.  Social skills, actually are just one segment of the group of skills that can hold kids back in school and life. 

 I truly believe the key to school reform that we read about everywhere we turn, is a deep understanding of our childrens' strengths and challenges, and figuring out, as educators, how to work with them or around them.   Another key is not to allow low expectations or stereotypes cloud our  vision of the learner.  If teachers, even unconciosly, think a child's homelife, or parents are the block to learning, it is like saying, "There's nothing I can do about this."  We need to be concious and cautious about assumptions, and instead look for solutions to the problems and skills we have in our power to fix and teach. 

Nature and Learning

When I picked up my oldest from school last week some younger children were out digging into nature planting something green and leafy into little pots.  A small plot of earth nearby sprouted little rows of greens, and hills marked with little sticks held promise for the future season.  My mind wandered to a time when the art teacher where I worked combined art with gardening, and engaged the children in creating a three sisters garden and to learn about concepts like change, and growth.  I was reminded how excited children become about growing things, and digging into the dirt.  The sweetest thing about this  experience was seeing the children who lived in apartments with no back yards or plot of earth to call their own to connect with the earth and enjoy the digging, planting, watering and waiting. 

In this rural area where I now reside many schools, families and neighbors have gardens from tiny to grand.  I have pictures of my oldest son pushing a dump truck through the freshly tilled soil of our own little garden.  In my mind are more snapshots,  my middle son balancing a bucket of water, arm outstretched so as not to tip and spill, my little girl watching for worms and plucking them out of the earth where she crouches baretoed to study them closely.  I have read about the "Back to the Land" movement during the early 70's, back when I was a child and my own family was conciously separating itself from the land.  Mom grew up picking cukes in the fields, heat from the sun beating down from above and reflecting hot waves from the earth below.  For her moving from the farm life and getting an education made sense.  A sense of nature's balance, rhythm, and bounty motivate my own little family to dig in to nature and stay a while.

Now, I wonder about today's children in this technological world that we now live in.   I ponder the possibilities of an education clearly connected to nature.  What if we could connect our teaching to nature, correlate concepts in learning to the natural world?  Certainly teachers do this already to some extent, through concepts of cycles, change and growth, and I wonder how much further we could take it?  I think of the children who struggle to sit, to listen, to organize incoming inormation in classrooms everywhere.  Then picture my son, one of the strugglers, pole in hand, feet in muck, mind and body at peace.. . fishing.  He is one with the water, fish and world.  He exhibits the universal concepts of patience, persistence, and ingenuity, toward a goal.  He is amazingly and consistently optimistic even when the unpredictability of nature means the fish aren't biting. Not a dramatic display of frustration to be had. 

It seems the more the world speeds up, the more important it is to provide our children with that connection to the earth, so that they may be better equipped to find a balance between nature and technology, persistence and patience, stress and stillness.  So they will be better able and willing to adapt to change, unpredictability, and unexpected loss.  Living connected to the land brings us quality sustenance for both our bodies and our minds.  Wholesome foods feed us.  Cool breezes fill our lungs.  Running rivers remind us to slow down.  The lapping lake says linger. Ocean tides remind us we are but a small part of a vast and vivacious world. 

Take a breath Mama

Take a breath mama.

I began writing today about the unwelcoming school climate in our small town school that stifles our children with the unspoken message, "Keep your differences to yourselves."  Was going to write about the judgemental, misguided parents who are under the notion that a child's behaviors are always within his own power to control, and are a direct reflection of parental control and competence.  I was going to grumble about the folks who no longer feel like friends, and the person who recently reminded us we "are on your own with that kid, he's not my problem."  I was going to whine about the fact that so many people just don't "Get It".

But I won't.  I am not diving in any deeper there.  I will stop.  I will take a breath in and know that we have many great neighbors and new friends who we are getting to know in this little town.  I will acknowledge the friends who understand that raising children can be hard because it is hard, not because we are doing it wrong.  I will gulp up all the smiles and hugs and thoughtful words of concern and support friends have freely given.  I will take in the knowledge that like minded friends are near.  I will inhale the presence of understanding standing next to me.  "Breath mama."  and be greatful.

I will be greatful as I exhale the tears welling in my chest, blow out the frustration in my muscles, and expel the judgement ringing in my ears.  Let it all go. . .  Then, I will breath in again, a deep cleansing breath.  We are not alone.  Some of us do get it.  Some of us do understand, and care, and offer support to others.  "Take a breath mama."

Mindless or Mindfull? (10 Mindfull Minutes: Book Review)

We sit in front of the television night after night.  We google, goggle, and surf day after day.  Why?  I can recall countless people, including myself saying, "I just need to chill out, unwind, relax. . .be mindless."  Mindlessness is what? . . .Is it that place where we don't have to think?  Where the worries of the day disappear?  Where our brains can relax away from the hectic world?  I truly believe that I have confused Mindlessness and Mindfullness for a good stretch of my life.  While watching television, and surfing the net can be a mindless persuit, what our body and minds (ours and our childrens') truly need to be happy and relaxed is Mindfullness.  That is the message I take from Goldie Hawn's book, 10 Mindful Minutes.

It is an easy read.  Delightful really.  Hawn intersperses some excellent information, in easily understood language, about how the brain works in respect to stress and emotions, with lovely anectdotes depicting Mindful moments from her own life and family.  She not only teaches the reader how to be more mindful in ourselves, she also teaches us how to promote mindfulness and resilience in our children.  She illustrates through clear writing and fun and simple games.   She reminds us many times that deep, slow mindful breathing for 5 minutes twice a day, can help us relax our "guard dog" (amygdala) part of the brain and  open new paths to learning for our "wise old owl" (prefrontal cortex), and build happiness and resilience.  Just 5 minutes, twice a day, to bring us out of "reacting" to life and into being, seeing, and connecting.

I love the emphasis on connecting with nature and happiness.  If you have read Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence, or Richard Louv's Last Child in the Woods:  Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder.  think of 10 Mindful Minutes as the instruction manual, but more fun. I daresay I will need to get my own copy of this one.  I don't want to be a library book hog!  (

Speak their Language

Here is a question to start off the day.  Everyone who lives anyplace where there is local dialect tends to think of the way they talk as "normal".  From Maine where ayuh is heard for yes, to Gawwgia's southern drawl, from New Joyzee, to Bawstin there are different "normals" all over our fine country.  Where my family lives, our spoken language pretty much matches the written language.  So my husband wondered aloud last night, "How do they teach phonics in an area where the spoken language doesn't match the written word?"  I chuckled.  . .Do they teach Bostonian kids that "ar" says "ah"?  I would love to hear from folks who can share their experience on this, my curiosity is perked. :)

This did get me thinking though.  Where teachers come from, and where students come from and the language and baggage we carry with us can have a big impact on communication and behaviors between the two.  I remember one day during my first job as paraproffessional our school had a buddy time, where two classes of different grades would divide their students into to mixed age groups.  While I was in one group helping out, I noticed a boy wander in to class from a different group.  This guy was known to be an angry little soul with a comparatively short fuse.  So, I felt pretty good that I was able to talk with him and understand him, reassure him.  He was calm, but skeptical of returning to the former group, and insited the teacher would yell at him if he went back.  Being naiive and new to the school, I reassured him that would not be the case. (I simply could not imagine a teacher doing that)  I would speak with her.  It would be fine. I guessed she would be pleased to see he was back, safe, calm, ready to go.

Well, as you can guess, basing a promise on a prediction of someone else's reaction is a highly sketchy proposition.  The teacher not only yelled at the child, she dug into me too, in front of her whole group of first and second graders, nice.  I am only guessing, perhaps that was her way of dealing with feeling foolish at having lost a child.  (It was apparent she hadn't noticed he was gone, or greatful he was, not sure which really)  I left almost in tears, held 'em back long enough to get out of that witch's site.  I only wish I could've taken the child with me.  I felt like a fraud. 

That was one of the first times I knew I spoke or at least understood another language that some children speak when it looks like they are just acting up or misbehaving.  I know in my bones, that behavior is language.  Children who are really misbehaving, consistently angry or disruptive, are communicating in the only way they know how, or in some cases, the only way they are able when their amygdala takes over with it's fight or flight reactions. 

There are children who need teachers who speak their dialect, or who are at least flexible and willing to learn to interpret a new language.  Many kids need teachers to be aware that although they speak a different dialect or language all together, they can be very sensitive to mood, emotion, and tone.  They sense more than they can handle, understand, or communicate with words.  There are teachers out there, even otherwise good teachers who have difficulty grasping this mode of communication that some children use, nor do they have any idea of the negativity that these same kids pick up on.   I wonder, really, can this kind of communication or understanding be taught or learned?  

When children repeatedly bump up against teachers who do not understand them or take the time to learn their "language"  they may speak louder through more outrageous behaviors, they may stop trying to be heard, they may just drop out of school or life.  In an age where bullying, school dropout rates, suicides and mass shootings have been increasing, I really think it is time we all, parents and teachers, learn the dialects of the troubled children.  They have a lot to say if someone would listen.

Works in Progress

 This balancing act called life, requires me (and maybe some of you?) to look at just about everything I do as a work in progress.  So, I sometimes lose sight of the  little chunks that I can complete in a short time as I get lost in the wave of the big picture.  For instance, I think in terms of the "never ending housework", instead of focusing on the little accomplishments, small acts I can accomplish in a short time; empty the dishwasher. . .check; make bed. . .check; sweep floor. . .check.  I think to myself "I need to excercise", instead of "I will take a walk today".  So starting now I will list some of my works in progress (not including my actual children-they have their own separate list- *smirk*) I have been told by fellow listmakers it feels good to check things off as they are completed, so I will add some of those too, I like to feel good.

Works In Progress

• Hand and footprint door. (I like this one because I can go months or a year without thinking about it and then in ten minutes. . .check- for another year)
• Letters to my children.  (I like to do this before I go to sleep at night whenever I feel like it, but have stalled because the paper supply in my nightstand has run out)
• NOTE TO SELF:  Restock Bedside Paper Supply.
• Photo and Memory Albums.  (I finally updated Lila's so she has pictures from birth to 2 1/2__When the boys' books began to get behind, I started buying smaller books :)
• Basement Laundry Craft Area:  (Yes this space in my house is a work in progress.  About two years ago I made a vow to create a less messy, more functional laundry and craft area-they are visually connected, but not practical to mix too closely the clean clothes and paints, glues, and miscellaneous muck and froo froo)

• The cellar stairway.  (This path from kitchen to basement has been the catchall for miscellaneous items of both high and non existent utility--from empty coffee cans and oatmeal boxes, to vacume attatchments, drink coolers, and dust bunnies we have had it all--My goal is to make it pretty and functional)
1. board up chimney wall.  check/ (Thank you handy husband)
2. Build shelfs under stairs.  check/ (Thank you again handy husband and Pinterest for the idea)
3. Paint all the above, plus stairs and other wall.  check/  (thanks me)
4. Create a glass mosaic/mural on the back of the chimney alongside the cellar part of stairway.  (Glass scattered and shattered all over craft area, caution wear shoes!!  Small portion of mosaic on workspace, yet to be set in place or completed)
• Complete Trim re-painting on windows and doors outside (only South and West have been done)
• Gardening
• hoophouse built- check
• seeds started - check
• new actual compost place--(not just a stinky garbage pile outback)--yet to come
• compost/fertilize beds- not yet
• create a cottage garden out of overrun perennial bed out front (in progress)

• weed said cottage garden and others :)
• eat veggies (need one easy one on the list)
• Write poems- hmm. . .nothing new lately just the one I added finishing touches to yesterday from years ago.
• Be sure Mount Clothesmore (stole this name from a friend- it is the perpetual pile of clean clothes that lives in my living room or bedroom depending on whether or not company is expected:) is put away completely before the winter clothes are needed again next fall.
• Do yoga daily (right now I think of it daily, but doing it???)
• Go for a walk daily__hmm does walking to the busstop count?  while pushing Lila's little 3 wheeler?
• Write in blog, check. 

Ok, so there it is, my list of works in progress.  I am sure there are more, but a baker's dozen is good for now and this list is a work in progress.  Sun is out.  Time to go for a walk, or plant radishes, or play with three year old. . . yup.   That's what I will do.

Ahh. . .

The woods pull me in again
The morning sun tempts
through pine tree tops
Like a strong hand into a candle lit room
toward bliss.

Ahead, the sun dapples the earth
Saplings dance, tickled by sun
through dazzling dewdrops,
tantalizing, well placed,
the dance lures me.

At the top of a hill
Silvery luminescence bursts forth
from snow dusted pines
The glow. . .
Magnificent!

Below, an icy stream gouges
sharp through rock, mud, snow. . .
endless rolling, running, rushing
away.
I
Stay.

Brotherhood

My husband comes from a fairly boy heavy family. He has two brothers each with two sons of their own and we have two brothers living here in our little family. Our boys are just eighteen months apart and share a room. Right from the beginning, I knew I really wanted them to share a room. I think the idea began with my romanticized notion brotherhood. I saw brotherhood as this special friendship bond that would tie our son’s together and make them strong, and happy, supported. 

I felt that sharing a room would help them to develop a closer relationship. Heh! The jury is still out on that one.The boys are alike in the many ways one might expect of brothers, but are different in as many or more. One likes the dark, the other wants the light on. One reads, the other listens to music. One is tidy(ish), (think seven year old boy tidy), and the other, well. . .not so much.

Though we didn’t always agree on room sharing, husband and I did agree that we wanted our boys to have a good, strong relationship to love and respect each other and to help each other navigate this crazy world. Of course, the reality is that they fight, bicker, and aggravate each other daily. Sometimes they hurt one another terribly. I was reminded othe that this week, when my boys headed out for a double sleepover with a pair of brothers the same ages as mine. My boys were at each others throats when I picked them up. The youngest was in tears and a shiner was forming around one eye.

I did my best to create space between them, as much as is possible in a caravan with two boys angrier than cats in a bag. Then I made time to hear each boy’s story, trying to ignore the interjections from across the house because it was important to them that I listen. I certainly had no misconception that I had the power to fix this. I read Siblings Without Rivalry-by Faber and Mazlish (not a year too soon) and I knew I wanted no part of being in the middle of this mess, that would only wedge the boys further apart. So I turned it over to them, just as the authors recommend.

So, I simply said, “You boys have some fun weekend plans coming. A weekend that involves a three or four hour ride, together, in a small space otherwise known as the BAT. (Big Awesome Truck). I am sure Uncle Howard is not going to want to deal with you to hating each other all weekend, you need to solve this now.”

The oldest began his “I am sorry for. . .’s” after only a short pause. They sounded sincere to this mom’s ears and thorough too. Actually they were more thorough than I may have imagined, more thorough than my assumptions might’ve predicted, if I hadn’t done this before. That is exactly why I don’t belong in the middle of these two boys’ problem. We all know kids live up to expectations, so I simply quote Faber and Mazlish, “I know you can solve this, I have confidence in you.” (often the boys grumble, “Confidence shmonficence” right before they engage each other and solve the problem.) And truly, on this day both boys apologized for everything, even the stuff they “didn’t do” according to previous statements.

I didn’t get in the middle, but after all was reasonably calm I did make sure to tell them both what concerned me most, above all, about the day’s events. “I sent you two off last night, to have some fun with your friends, to someone else’s home where rules, and routines are different and unfamiliar. I expected you two to have each others back, not tease, torment, and hurt each other. When you two are off on your own, it is not your job to put each other down and say and do mean things. Your job is to take care of each other, to help each other out and to support each other. You are brothers.

(Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote Siblings Without Rivalry, it is on the Parent/Teacher reading page.)

A Common Language

When I first began teaching I was lucky enough to fall into a job at a school that was training staff to use Responsive Classroom practices.  The basis for Responsive Classroom was to create an environment and community that felt respectful and safe for children and teachers, by teaching and modeling what expected behaviors looked and sounded like and by using positve language to describe expectations for the children.  One of the many benefits of this practice was to create a common language for our school.  If you were a child in first grade, and you walked down the hall to another classroom or to lunch or recess, all the teachers would use the same type of positive phrasing, and logical consequences, "Go back to the door way and use walking feet this time", "Remember to keep your hands safe", "Quiet voices please."  I have to think it must have been nice for those children going up through the grades to find out that in second grade there might be a lot of things different and new, but this common language was the same.  Although Responsive Classroom did not solve or prevent every problem behavior, it was a nice simple foundation for building an overall sense of community and safety for our students.

Now fifteen years later, I find myself, mom of three, looking for that common language here at home.  The language that most consistently keeps us all feeling respected, positive, safe and happy.  A foundation on which to build.  Somehow it seems like it is so much harder now here with three of my own children, than it was back then with a classroom of other peoples' children.  Back when I left school at the end of the day, week, year, I was free to relax, rejuvinate and rebuild my positive attitude and language.  Now somedays I go to sleep feeling like I got sucked down into the negative spiral that raising a wacky tribe of children sometimes appears to be.  Imagine being swished slowly down the drain with a spiral of water sucking you right down through the pipes and into the sewer.

Then yesterday, I realized we have our own language after all!  We were at our local lake, summer hangout during unseasonably warm spring weather this week.  The second day a breeze payed a seasonal reminder.  The beach was empty and waves lap, lap, lapped at the shore.  My middle guy said, "I like to be here even more when noone else is here.  I can hear the waves. It's so peaceful."  That started me thinking, we have a common language, a foundation, it is Water and it mostly brings out the best in us.

Everyday we use water as our nonverbal method for communication.  How many times did I soothe an unconsolable baby by running water on his little piggies till he giggled, and use the nightly bathtime ritual to show consistent love and care for my children.  A squirt of water from my clenched hand lets them know I have a sense of humor, and a smile when they splash back proves it.  Water can transport my family from a bickering, bellering, belligerent bunch to an amicably enchanted symbiotic organism.   It can bring contented calm to the young fisherman while the toddler fishy wiggles delightfully on the swishing shore.  Like a comedy water can make us laugh and act like children standing on our hands with feet in the air and splashing.  Then in the meloncholy end of summer tale we wistfully leave our favorite lake in Maine for the year, we jump in and take some home with us, in our hair and on our cooled skin, like goodbyes in our ears, knowing we will return again and again and again, because we know the water cleans our bodies and spirits, and rejuvinates our minds and hearts, like a great novel you don't want to put down and are somewhat sad to finish.  Water is our language.

Home :)

Bog time!

Social Stuff

Over the last year and a half, I have read, talked and learned about the children who need to be explicitly taught certain skills in order to achieve social success.  Nowadays there is lots of talk in schools about social skills, and learning about emotions.  Empathy is the keyword of the day.  There are so many components to being social that most of us have never even thought about even though the skills or lack of, can greatly impact our daily lives.  It is Ironic in a way that the children, the people with social difficulties who are often seen to lack empathy toward others, are the ones who really need empathy from others (for someone somewhere to see things from their point of view)  They often don't get it, because they are percieved as undeserving.  Awareness is growing among those who work with children, slowly I think, but I have begun to wonder when we will carry over this knowledge and be able to apply it to people in general, to love each other faults and all.  I will be the first to admit this is not my strong suit.

This group of skills we call "social skills" is really a very large set that is affected by attention and impulse control and both verbal and body language.  For some children their impulsivity prevents them from developing friendships with classmates.  For others the bookish manner in which they speak is put offish to other kids their age, or the overly logical way they think comes through leaving others feeling like the child is insensitive or mean.   Some kids don't notice, the way many children do, that certain clothes or standards of hygene will make or break their social success, or  that others in a conversation are giving silent signals that they have had enough of a particular subject.  I know several people who's poor sense of time, or time management causes frustration for those around them and strains social ties.

In my own case, I realize now as an adult that as a child I had difficulty reading the body language of a conversation, probably first and foremost because I did not look at the person I was speaking to.   When girls do this we call it shy, when boys do this we call it disrespectful.  I think I have become better at this, but I have always found it much easier to talk when not placed in a face to face conversation.  Talking while riding in the car,or while busy with a task has always been easier.  Now, as an adult, I make more of an effort to pay attention to those little cues that say, let's move on to something else, or let's give this person a chance to speak. 

I consider myself a deeply caring person, but that is not always apparent to others.  I recall times when I have laughed when I should have cried, and I have been told I looked angry, when what I felt inside was more like anguish or distress.  One time, years ago, a person I considered a dear friend, brought up an emotional subject and I know thoughts began swimming in my head about what to say, but I just could not speak.  I also know that our relationship sort of dissolved after that.  I was in my thirties then and could feel the awkwardness of the situation, but it was like my brain was in lockdown.  On a positive note, I feel I am quite lucky to have a husband who either "gets" me, or persists in trying to understand, because this little quality of shutting down when the going gets tough is a hard one to live with, I am sure.  It is certainly cause for a great deal of frustration.

Among the multitudes of ways many people use to communicate and develop social relationships, one of the most enlightening for me was the concept of social politics.  The idea that people need to know who they can talk to about certain subjects and how much information to disclose about themselves to certain people caused me to reflect on some of my own social faux pas.  The fact that some people are very good at using information to achieve personal "gain" in the social hierarchy, (think teenage girls) was not a new one altogether, but I began to see my own social situation, while going through school, in a new light.  I realize I had assumed that because I would never say or do anything to purposely be hurtful to a friend that others felt the same, but that was not always the case for them.  Some "friends" chose social politics over loyalty and scruples, something I just could not imagine or understand.

Over the years I have become somewhat more aware of the social realm of life, and have been able to make adjustments and improve my skills. Social fate is not carved in stone.  Self awareness can really be a helpful tool for improving the social skills that do not come naturally.  I have also learned that social politics is not a skill I wish to have.   I choose my friends cautiously, and try to avoid the "high school girls" of life, the ones I had all but forgotten about till my kids began school and I began to see the same foolishness at play.  I am me.  Take it or leave it.  That's all.

I am concerned about the adult wandering the earth in any walk of life who lacks that self awareness.  He wanders about his daily business of alienating others with his need for organization so strong he tries to control situations and people and seems to be unaware that his behavior bothers anyone.  I worry about the person unable to read cues from others when her one sided conversations go on way too long, or disclosing too much personal information to eyerolls and yawns of the listener.   I am troubled by the fact that a person can keep others away unknowingly with an unwelcoming expression she doesn't even know she is wearing, or a comment that is misinterpreted by the listener as insensitive.  You know that person, the one who once you get to know you realize "Wow she is really sweet", or "We have a lot in common".

 As humans we are all social creatures on a line somewhere from introvert to extrovert either skilled or  unskilled in conversation, social norms, and social expectations.  All humans offer unopened gifts to our society, our schools, and our lives that will never be seen if we fail to look into the book, beyond the cover, past the rambling, and cast down eyes, through the angry face to the hurting heart, and farther than our immediate expectations.