I am exhausted. I just about fell asleep reading to the boys, which never happens, tonight. I don't feel like I should be so tired, so I am frustrated. I lolled through 30 minutes of yoga for today, and just peeled myself off my mat to come sit in front of the too brilliant screen of my computer. The thoughts I had earlier in the day, jotted in my notebook nearby, feel like jibberish right now. I am not motivated, maybe tomorrow they will make sense. . . So, to further delay my writing, I upload a photo of said notebook, but then since it takes longer than I expected, my brain begins to defog and I start to think about what I was planning to write tonight, and as always I look for connections, new ways to make sense of things.
Tonight's tired is not your ordinary run of the mill tired. It is that kind of exhausted feeling I get when someone has sucked the life out of me. I was wondering about the sociology of the middle child earlier tonight and pondering whether something about his place in our family is influencing his behavior lately, because he has been draining all of us here at home with his unprecedented drama in the last few weeks. I notice that same phrase, "suck life out", is in my notebook, but it is in regards to teaching. In my transition from stay at home mom back into the school environment I have noticed some of the teachers I have met bring an amazing life to teaching, while others seem to suck the life out of the school. Maybe the profession sucked it out of them first and they just morph into a human black hole, whatever the case, it is tiresome.
Over the past couple years I have met some amazing teachers in different districts around us. Some of them bring sparks to their teaching. My son's third grade teacher excitedly shared an idea she came up with one day for writing, and raved about her fellow team teachers who she has connected with this year, unlike any other year. "It's so motivating!" I know that working with the right people makes a huge difference, because I have shared the comaraderie of a school community all working for a common cause. I have also worked where it feels like keeping a positive mindset is the hardest part of the job, because whereever I turn there's someone complaining, or griping, or going about the job of teaching as if it is a chore and not a gift. They ask, "Is is Friday yet?" on Tuesday, and not so secretly wish for certain children to be out that day, everyday. That is the kind of environment that burns lots of fuel for little results, and sucks the life out of people who want to love the job.
I know I want to work in a place where teachers are sparklers who bring light and fun to life. Where teachers raise eyebrows, tap fingers together and joke, "This problem is Evil! There is a trick!" I want to work with people whose infatuation with books fills their classroom and their teaching, overflowing into everything. I want to work where kids flock around the teacher on the way out to dismissal as she while she plays word games with them right up to the last minute. I seek laughter and love of children, respectful and replenishing comraderie, coffee or a coke for a coworker. I hope to be recharged, not drained by school and staff. . .and family ;) I hope to bring a spark of my own.