Waiting Room

It was a too warm, trying to look cheery, room with too many chairs and magazines, no windows, and us.  My husband, my mom, my dad, was my step dad there? or was he sick?  Any other time it might have been awkward, but right now it was good to have mom and dad in the same room.  We chatted like life was normal, how is school going for the boys?  What is Auntie up to these days?  Magazines are everywhere.  How do people read?  I am too busy pushing away negative, worry thoughts, and only allowing positive outcomes to appear, but not too positive or too far in the future, don't want to jinx anything.

My head felt stuffy from breaking down earlier.  The whole week I was calm, making routine out of staring at walls, feeding my baby, and waiting.  Peace and calm were my middle name, till everyone arrived, then overwhelmed with seeing my boys just 3 and 4 for the first time since the day the Doctor sent us here, and noticing the tears welled in the grownups, the first tear rolled and that was it.  I am sorry for that.  I wanted the boys to see everything was ok, everything would be ok. . .damn.

Next thing I knew, they rolled my smiling two month old into the OR and left us, me puffy eyed, in a too warm room, waiting.  I think I found some water.  We tickered away the time somehow, I have no idea how, till the phone rang.  The sign said to answer it, but it was for someone else, I didn't even notice anyone else was waiting.  Eventually we got our call.  It went well, they got it all out, they think and sent it along to see what it is, was, the unspoken C word hung in the air.  We left the waiting room still waiting.  Now to sit by the too still baby, hooked to tubes and wires was it days or just one long one?

The week was surreal.  The boys were back to school right after.  Back to normal.  Back to routine.  Only a few knew we spent the Christmas holiday week willing our 2 month old baby to be ok. The prayers and pushing away of negative thoughts brought our baby home healthy, minus one kidney, and healing.  Another week went by and the Oncologist said "So nice to meet you, and I don't ever want to see you again." to our baby girl.  Worth the wait.